Patience and Gentleness by Nicole

In layperson’s terms, we know what Aphasia is. Aphasia is after having a stroke, sometimes when we try to speak the words and the words will not come. We internally know what the words are we are trying to express, but it feels like it’s, as they say, on the tip of our tongue. The words feel like they are on the tip of our brain but will not spill over. When the words will not come, it feels like there are stagnant brain cell messengers trying to switch over to replace the brain cell messengers that burned out during our stroke.

We find ourselves pushing and breathing from our diaphragm when the words will not come. When the words finally appear we can, exhale. Sometimes in a way, after having a stroke, it’s like learning to speak again from a baby’s breath. We have somewhat gotten use to our daily chore of speaking in Aphasia language.

In this Blog I am going to simulate Aphasia by bringing her alive.  I am going to tell you a story about Aphasia and her Stroke Comeback Center partner, Survivor.

Now Aphasia is her code name. Her first name is Patience and her last name Gentleness.

At the end of this story, eventually Aphasia and Survivor come to a meeting of the minds by deciding to be in a perfect reunion.

Okay Stroke Comeback Center Survivors and Strivers, no chains are holding us, so let’s rock and roll!

 

Aphasia:        Knock, Knock

Survivor:        Who’s there?

Aphasia:        Aphasia

Survivor:        Aphasia who?

Aphasia:        You know me, I am Aphasia, Patience Gentleness, who knocks and knock at your door each day.

Survivor:        Oh, I know you Aphasia, who knocks at my door each day. Sometimes I get so discouraged and wish you would just go away.

Aphasia:        Survivor, today will you be rough and tough with me, or gently allow me to play and just let me be.

Survivor:        But what will I do when the words will not flow.  Please tell me how I will allow my vocabulary to grow.

Aphasia:        Now be patient Survivor, I ask you to continue to push and push the words from your brain.  Push and push until your words began to rain.

Survivor:        Oh my Aphasia, whose brain limbs stretches far and wide.  You have such beautiful branches that almost reach the sky.

Aphasia:        Just remember Survivor when your words will not come, don’t run and hide; that’s no such fun.

Survivor:        Aphasia will you show me your Patience when I am feeling up-side down and inside-out; those days will you please gently direct my route.

Aphasia:        Pay attention Survivor, you may have a plan.  When you lose your words, push and push by showing them, “Yes I Can”.       

Survivor:        When my words tumble up, and they don’t make sense, will Gentleness show up and take a bow when I am too tense.

Aphasia:        Now, now, Survivor, when your words will not come, patiently wait, they are just on the run.

Survivor:        Well Aphasia, notwithstanding a miracle, you will never completely go away. So I guess I will accommodate you and welcome you to stay.

Aphasia:        Survivor, believe in yourself and know I will be here if you call, to catch you with my patience and gentleness whenever you fall.

Words of Thought: I thank the Stroke Comeback Center (SCC) for showing me, as a survivor and a striver, I can still rock and roll!  I thank the SCC for reminding me, “mountains are still being moved in my life; strongholds are still being loose”. We are all special in SCC; we made it through our stroke.

Comments: I thank my sister Rev. Maude Harrison-Hudson, who would gently mention to me, after I returned home from in-patient rehabilitation, to think of patience and gentleness, when the words will not come. Love you Maude JJ

 

Good Morning Ms. Autumn Sunshine by Nicole

Illustrated by Baby Girl Nikki, Nicole's graddaughter. Nikki’s illustration shows each leaf  is pronounced with it’s own individual vines of life  

My first autumn memory, which stays with me, was returning to school after summer break.  Each year, a few days after Labor Day, of course before there was the alarm of climate change, it would rain nonstop in our city.  For days, it would rain as if we were in the middle of monsoon season.  Although we wore rain coats and carried an umbrella, the rain would come down horizontally and we were soaked.   

I remember as a little girl, at the end of what I refer to as monsoon season, the sun would come out, shining so brightly, we had to wink to see our hands before us.

I remember as a little girl, after the rainy period, the shedding of the colorful autumn leaves would appear.  As the leaves begin to doze off the trees, I knew the spring and summer had completed their yearly journey. 

I remember as a little girl, after the true notice of autumn arrived, the leaves graciously begin to slow dance from the trees with a gentle slumber.

I noticed the different color variation of the falling leaves.  I noticed the yellow-green sugar maple leaves that are more subtle but no less beautiful or distinct. 

I notice the majestic orange-red color leaves, which peak a bright vapor of pastel green pattered with orange that presents a striking diverse appearance.

And, I noticed the most colorful leaves in autumn, the maple red leaves that can be a brilliant scarlet or a maroon, that just takes your breath away. 

Those of you who are visual people, who have a more profound sight of seeing a picture as I see; can you imagine seeing a little girl twirling around and around in the colorful leaves that are falling from the trees with the wind gusting her to a point of breathless laughter.

Can You See Her?

Those of you who are audio people, who can hear what I hear; those of you with a higher hearing pitch of accuracy, can you imagine hearing the wind swirling the colorful leaves around a little girl demanding that she run faster and faster in the blowing leaves, taking her breath away.

Can You Hear the Wind Blowing?

Prior to my stroke, as an elder-hood person, I had forgotten all about observing nature’s beauty.  Take time out in your life, on any day, as they say, smell the roses.  Take time out to re-introduce yourself to nature; the rivers, the lakes, the mountains, the clouds, trees and flowers.  They are nature as you are nature.  You may surprise yourself how accommodating and peaceful you can be, sharing time with another species of nature.

I now understand autumn is my favor time of year.  Autumn is a beginning and ending of a season who shows you how gently life can be, if you allow it.

As a little girl, these are my greatest “Fall Memories”

And Who Am I? by Nicole

And Who Am I?

In reading poetry sometimes you find that special poet who captures your soul; a poet that reads your spirit while you are reading her poetry. 

Maya Angelou was one of those poets.  Ms. Angelou’s words just linger within me. 

·       “I am a Woman Phenomenally, Phenomenal Woman, That’s me.”  Phenomenal Woman, poem (1978)

·       ‘The need for change bulldozed a road down the center of my mind”.  I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings (1969)

And……

·       “We may encounter many defeats but we must not be defeated.”  The Art of Fiction No. 119, the Paris Review

These Maya Angelou’s quotes remind me of having a stroke and resolving my sadness through the Stroke Comeback Center. Tell the world, yes I did initially encounter a defeat with my stroke, but I will not be defeated by this stroke.

Ms. Angelou’s words seduce you, without question.  Her writings take you to a place that you have thought about visiting, but in the past, you dare not visit.

Her writings make you bold enough to step out and express your phenomenal feelings.

Her writings give you the courage to be yourself without any excuses.

And, her writings are a celebration of what was, what is and what can be.

Ms. Angelou shows you how to go into your inner child and bring out the hurting that was hiding so deep; one day it bursts out in your adult self and screams for mercy, mercy, mercy.

When we go hide-and-seek, trying to find out where we belong and where we are going in life, it frightens us, to a point we run for cover; subconsciously, we sink into the ocean.

When we go hide-and-seek, we say to ourselves, if I come out, but what will they think of me?  How can I get through that roadblock that has been captivating my soul?  

After years of wondering, do I dare peak out to see if it’s okay to show them who I really am?

Will they accept me, will they reject me, or just let me be. 

Until my brain splits and shows them what I find hidden behind the walls, until I rise up and let it all fall out, then my mind will become free to think the thoughts, do the things I dared not think and do before my stroke.

Who am I, I am that naughty little girl, but a very good girl, hiding in an elder-hood body, who continues to live in an insane world.  Continuing to search for the start and beginning of life’s sweetness.

As Ms. Maya says, “there is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you”.

Words of Thought: Overwhelming…….

Step by step, the Stroke Comeback Center is gently testing me to explore my inner self.

May Maya Angelou’s spirit be blessed and at peace……

Comments:  As Brooke says, “Now that’s a Special Sauce"

Are You a Survivor or a Striver? by Nicole

Are You a Survivor or a Striver?

In my post-stroke stage, I have asked myself, are you a survivor or a striver? It occurred to me, why can’t I be both.

In The Beginning… Being a Survivor

In the beginning of my rehabilitation, I began everyday with brain fog. I politely refer to brain fog as cloudiness that scatters a little at a time. This feeling is something I did not experience before my stroke. It has to be one of those post-stroke symptoms that as my brain heals it will slowly resolve on its own. Even after fifteen months of post-stroke the cloudiness returns once or twice a week. I am learning to accept this cloudiness like the scattered clouds in the sky. Whatever the day offers, I accept the cloudiness like I accept the cumulus (cu-mu-lus), stratus (stru-tus) or cirrus (cear-rus) clouds on some days. Then there are days I do not feel the cloudiness but sunshine all day long.

As a stroke survivor, to get through the day, I have learned to treat my body and mind differently. For example, if I go out one day of the week to the Stroke Comeback Center or go groceries shopping, I must rest the following day. I find that when I am obedient and relax the following day, I can avoid anxiety attacks. After getting a day of rest, the relaxation builds up my mental and physical stamina so I can go on an outing the following day. It is my hope as my stroke ages, one day of outing can turn into two days in a row of outings, rest a day, go out three days in a row of outings, and rest a day, etc.

A neurologist will tell you each person’s stroke is different and that we have different occurrences from our stroke. I am not sure what other stroke survivors feel, but I welcome you to give me a high-five if you have felt or feel similar post-stroke events. It’s okay for me to share an experience or feeling that I did not have before my stroke. The Stroke Comeback Center has welcomed me to gently and patiently share my feelings without shame, disapproval, or dishonor.

As the Stroke Comeback allows me to come to the Center each week to lay down my post-stroke burdens, I have learned to accept they are softly encouraging me to articulate what I are feeling, and share the great ups and downs of my last week.

The Middle….Being a Striver

Thinking back over the last year I find I am also a striver, constantly seeking the beginning of the day and what that new day will bring. I try to dare not journey into the next day, leave the next day to come with a different adventure.

Prior to my stroke, the majority of my day was high strung. I was very anxious about laying out today’s life plans, along with the next day and the next day’s plans.

My stroke is teaching me how to take one day at a time. Whatever I did not accomplish on the current day put it to bed. You know as they say, we worry about over ninety percent of things we later find out the worry was not necessary. Have faith to know your Higher Power will take care of the issue or allow it to resolve itself.

During my Stroke Comeback writings, I sometimes feel embarrassed when I cannot remember how to spell a word or think of the word that so easily spilled out into my pre-stroke vocabulary. I regroup and think about anything I consider bad that happened in my life, if I look deep enough, I can take that bad thing that happened and find something spectacular to share with the world. In my case, my stroke has lifted a veil that was over me. While I was previously hesitant about writing the things I was thinking; of course, as long as the writings were not harmful to others, now I can write whatever I was quietly thinking, free from the “ties that bind me”. This is part of my healing process.

The Ending… Being a Survivor and Striver

Now there are days I do not want to get out of the bed and I want to crawl into a fetal position on that day. But the happy post-stroke part of me graciously says, okay Nicole “rise up and shine”. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Lay back and take a mental health day, read a book. Look at the leaves dancing on the trees. Listen to the birds singing their beautiful songs just for you.

After all of the years I have tumbled through life, my post-stroke stage sometimes gives me peace beyond all measures, “peace in the mist of the storms”.

The End

Striver – seeker, quester, finder, purser

Huh, Now Ain’t That Good News by Nicole

 

Early most morning, a little bird comes to my window and sings to me a beautiful song.

Huh, Now Ain’t That Good News.

Each day I hold on to life very tightly and give thanks to grace for another day.

Huh, Now Ain’t That Good News.

I think back when I was on the floor for two days, before getting medical attention for my stroke. Now some days I walk around my home without pain in my body and sing a song, “This is the Day That the Lord has Made, I will Rejoice and be glad in it.” 

Huh, Now Ain’t That Good News.

A day do not past when my eyes will not stumble across the exact location on the side of my bed where I laid, in and out of consciousness, and I play back how I prayed that I would be lifted up off the floor.  During the two days, after several attempts, my spirit told me, “this is the day you will get up off the floor”; and so I did.

Huh, Now Ain’t That Good News.

In my younger years, I was looked at as the “wild one”. My youngest son even referred to me as a ‘hippie’. Don’t know why. 

My mother would tell me, “Girl, you are going to die with your boots on”.  As a little girl, of course I didn’t understand what that meant. After years of wisdom, I finally got it. I was born with a fiery spirit and instead of going out like a bull in a china shop, I must take that fiery spirit and do good things with it.

Huh, Now Ain’t That Good News.

During my most recent break from the Stroke Comeback sessions, It was my plan to read ‘Stacey Abrams’ book, Minority Leader, How to Lead from the Outside and Make Real Change. 

Well as I began to read, I realized it was the new normal me reading her book, not the old normal me. Since my stroke, my eyes become weary after just a little reading. I become frustrated and put the book down. 

So I decided to pace myself. I would do a little reading, put the book down when my eyes became weary; later go back and enjoy the reading a little more; excited because I could not wait to turn the next page of Stacey’s book.

Huh, Now Ain’t That Good News.

When I become so exhausted, my words double up, and I began to speak what I refer to as “gibberish”, I tell my family, I got to go. I am going into diminishing returns. I rest by taking a nap, regroup and go along with the day or night.

And Huh, Now Ain’t That Good News.

When my spirit becomes so sad because the “old normal me” is pretty much gone, at least it feels like it, and the “new normal me” rises up each morning with a, “good morning Nicole, not let’s see what we can accomplish today”. I give in and say, well it’s possible the “new normal me” is here to stay, I must ride her wings for the day until she tells me it time take a break, and rest now.

 

And Huh,    Now     Ain’t    That    Good     News.

To Be Continued-----

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This was fun! However, when I began to write some of my Stroke Comeback presentations, in the beginning, sadness comes over me. Because I am a verbal person, I am reliving what I am writing. Then I find contentment because everything I am thinking, I am able to put it in writing. It’s like taking the shackles off of my writing. In a way, it’s like giving therapy to myself.

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Driving by Tanya

How do you feel normal after a stroke. You don’t feel normal after a stroke. But, I feel normal When driving. After my stroke i Was not driving. Because my doctor told me not to.

Three months after my stroke I was ready to drive. My Occupational therapist said there is a driver’s program. I am lucky. Stroke survivors may take years to drive again or may never drive again.

I had a problem with right and left before my stroke. After my stroke i could not distinguish between right and left. I remember my RIGHT hand that is a tool. I got my license corrected. This means that I cannot use GPS.

I am driving and I feel normal.